You Bastard Aru
by xblkdragonx
Summary: Sometimes sex with Russia, isn't all it's cracked up to be
1. You Bastard Aru

These are crack ideas that came about from the RoChu Pervy Squad…yes that is what we've been nicknamed as…Orz. Anyway drabble format again (meaning lay off on details and different from usual style).

Yes, this is rated M but hopefully still funny?

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"Yao~ What are you doing?" Russia asked as he hugged China from behind, rubbing their cheeks together affectionately.

"Tsk, can't you tell I'm busy with paperwork aru? Now go away and let me finish!" China scowled, trying in vain to push Russia's face away from his.

A mock hurt expression entered Russia's face, 'Eh~ but it's been so long since I last saw Yao Yao. We should play together and make up for the lost time da?"

To make his point clear in what kind of "play" he wanted, Russia slipped one of China's finger pushing at his face into his mouth, slowly running his tongue over it.

China quickly yanked his hand free, a flush entering his face, "W-what are you doing?"

His hands still around the slim waist, Russia pulled China's body closer to his. However, the Chinese nation still resisted even though he knew when the larger nation set his mind to something, there was no stopping him.

"No aru! I-I don't want to!" China yelled, struggling in Russia's grasp, pushing at his large chest.

Capturing one of China's delicate hands in his, Russia smiled. "But I want to…," Russia leaned down to nibble at China's ear, whispering into it, "and we both know sooner or later, you'll want it too….Right _Jao_?"

Despite his initial protest, China couldn't stop the excited shiver that ran down his spine when he felt the warm breath upon his sensitive neck. Curse this infernal body. It was like Russia had conditioned him to expect the mind-numbing sex they always had. He turned his head away from the lips seeking his, scoffing, "Don't overestimate yourself aru."

Undeterred, Russia contented himself with simply gliding his mouth over China's smooth cheek. He gentle laid a hand on the side of the smaller nation's face, turning it to face his. Challenging, golden eyes met his. Russia silently laughed at how utterly adorable his little Yao looked. He knew he should first quench China's anger but he couldn't stop himself from bending down and kiss those soft lips.

When he felt China finally relent and half-heartedly kiss back, this time Russia couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping, "No. I don't overestimate myself. There's no need for estimation between lovers right?" One of his hands slipped underneath China's shirt and began idly playing with the waistband there. Russia's voice became husky with desire as he continued to lavish China's face, mouth, wherever his lips could touch bare skin, with butterfly kisses, "Because that's what we are right? Lovers? You love me just like I love you da?"

China closed his eyes, falling under the trance of Russia's hypnotic voice. He tilted his head to give the Russian more access to the skin at his neck. "You're not playing fair…."China said without heat.

Russia's hand dipped inside of China's pants, finding the rounded cheeks there. The Chinese nation's gasp at feeling a callous hand suddenly touching him was smothered as Russia claimed his mouth in a demanding kiss. Russia buried his free hand into China's hair, pressing their mouth closer. Their tongues ran over each other in desperation in feeling one another. Slick, wet, sliding, retreating, plunging- their kiss mimicking the very act they were about to commit.

At last they broke away. Russia laid his forehead against China's, their panting breathes mingling. Stroking the side of China's arm, Russia spoke quietly, "Turn around and face the desk, Yao."

China stiffened. He hated being commanded but staring into those burning violet eyes, he felt his heart beat race. Reluctantly, he turned and placed his hands on the desk, slightly bent over it. "This once. Only this once," China's mind chanted as he felt Russia ever so slowly bend down, pulling his pants along with him. China's traitorous body trembled when Russia kissed his way back up China's leg, up his calves, the back of his silky thighs, before ending his quest with a finally lick on China's buttocks.

The Chinese nation sharply inhaled, feeling large hands cup his backside, kneading, spreading them. He tensed. Any moment now, any moment he would feel the sharp pain of Russia preparing him but afterwards…Heaven forbid, afterwards the pleasure he would feel. They would- *SQUEAK*

China's twitched slightly. What was that sound? He was so preoccupied with the foreign sound, it took him a while to feel a huge patch of his right butt cheek feeling wet.

"Was Russia sucking on it without me knowing?" China wondered without turning around. Then it hit him, the distinct smell. The distinct smell of permanent marker.

Eyes widened, China whipped around to face Russia, "What did you do aru!"

Whistling innocently, Russia grinned at China, "Nothing~. Just made the view better. We should continue with the sex da?"

Ignoring Russia reaching for him, China dashed to the bathroom….

The world became deathly still as if it was the calm before a storm. A few seconds later, the storm struck.

"YOU F*CKING BASTARD ARU! YOU DREW A RUSSIAN BEAR OVER MY PANDA BIRTHMARK!"

"Jao~ Come back. I'm not done yet. I still need to write 'Property of Ivan Braginski right above it."

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To see Yao's panda that doesn't look like a panda at all: community(dot)livejournal(dot)com(slash)hetalia(slash)749234(dot)html

It's the last strip. Anyway it came about because people said it doesn't look like a panda. People said, it looked like a Russian bear instead. Most likely it's because Ivan put it there saying, "This ass belongs to me. Touch and die"

Btw, there is one more smex comedy after this. But it's 8am right now and I can't write anymore. Sorry if there are mistakes in this one but I basically wrote it at 7am in the morning and really, I can't stay up any longer than this…. Check back tomorrow. I will have it up by then.


	2. Say My Name

Heavy silence settled in the room, thickening the air with its' suffocation. No…the room wasn't silent. The bed creaked underneath their bodies, the head board rhythmically banged against the wall with every thrust of the Russian's body into China's. Labored breathing filled the room, broken occasionally by a breathless moan or sigh. No, the room wasn't silent but to Russia and China blinded by pleasure- their minds so intent on the feel of the others' skin, the burning sensation of the others' heat- the world might as well be dead.

Russia leaned over China's arched back, placing soft, light kisses on pale, white shoulders. He felt the smaller nation tremble slightly at the change in position, the change in penetration.

"Ivan….,"China quiet gasp of his name was like the gentle summer breeze murmuring through the trees: sweet, calming, intoxicating.

Russia leaned in closer until his mouth grazed the delicate curve of China's ear, his front now pressed against the Chinese nation's back. "Jao…." He whispered China's name, his breath teasing the black strands, "Jao…say my name. I want to hear your voice say my name."

"Ivan….Ivan…." China sighed his name over and over but….

"No, not that one. The other one."

Not quite understanding, China turned his head and reached back to pull Russia in for a kiss. "What other name?" he asked while running his lips against the larger nation's.

"Waterpipe-kun. I want you to call me Waterpipe-kun."

"...."

"...."

"....Get off me aru...."

"Eh~ Not until you say 'Waterpipe-kun' in that sexy voice you have."

"…Get that 'waterpipe' out of me now aru, or I'll make sure no more 'water' comes out of it ever again."

"But Jao~"

"NOW!"

Russia sighed in defeat, "Okay…but can you at least say I'm your favorite waterpipe?"

"ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"

**Epilogue**

Headline News: China declares war on Japan.  
According to reporters, it has been determined that the sudden declaration was caused by Japanese fan girls ruining the Chinese nation personified's sex life.

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A/N: I have no idea why, but I love ruining sexy moments with pure crack. It's just so much fun X"DDDD. This idea also came from the conversation we had the RoChu MSN group. The Japanese fandom calls Russia "Waterpipe-kun" so I used that as the premise and u do admit, Russia sure does love his waterpipe thingy (no innuendo intended)

To my Rochu member reading this, next time I promise I'll use the word "dangly" LOL


	3. Twinkie Bears

Summary: What happened during their _first time_ sleeping together.

A/N: Been a while since I updated this, but mon dieu~, inspiration only comes when you least expect it.

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For a second, for a moment their heated lips parted as Russia tore China's shirt over his head. Hungry, insatiable, greedy for every ounce of Russia's essence, China lurched forward, sorry to separated from him for even a heartbeat. Their lips still wet and bruised met again in a frenzied passionate kiss. Mindlessly with lust, he sat atop of Russia's lap, grinding down on the larger nation insistently. His hands wildly roamed up and down the Russian's hard toned body, pulling at the offensive clothes that separated their bodies.

Russia's gloved hands, lightly grazed the side of his ribs and the cold feel of leather on his heated skin made him moan against the blond's mouth. "Ivan."

Only his name escaped China's mouth; he shivered from the way his name was uttered. China was asking him, begging him to hurry. They both wanted this for so long, so god f*cking long, that it's became unbearable. The pleasure of it all blurred with the pain; he could no longer tell the difference.

"I've waited for this," Russia murmured breathlessly against China's arched neck, "The moment I saw you, I knew it had to be you. There's no one else I rather make love to."

"Then hurry," China fervently whispered, his eyes glazed over with desire, "Hurry and do it."

Gently, Russia lowered him onto the bed. He loomed over China's flush, sweat sleek body and smiled. "Wait. I have to prepare first."

"Prepare for what?" The smaller man asked.

Chuckling, Russia removed his gloves. "Prepare my back end of course, silly panda bear~" He ran his finger tip down China's chest to his abdomen, and watched with hungry amusement, the muscles flex at his touch. "It'll hurt if I don't, da?"

"What? What did you just say?" China sprang up into a sitting position. He must've heard wrong. No way. It was impossible. There was no way Russia- the big, powerful, hairy Russia just said he would-

"I said if you just stick it in without me fingering myself first, it'll hurt like hell." Russia repeated himself, spicing up the details even.

China had a hand over his eyes almost as if he wanted to hide from the truth. "A-are you telling me...you want me... ME who is not only physically weaker, but 13 centimeters shorter than you to...to top you?"

Russia tilted his head and blinked innocently. He didn't see the problem at all. "Yes. I said it had to be you, didn't I?"

China looked up to the heaven's, praying that this was all just some kind of nightmare. "Do I even want to know why?"

Blushing shyly, Russia turned away and held his cheeks in hands. "Don't you think it's hot to see dainty, smaller men make big, muscular guys cry? It's just so...so...amazing! The Twinks are such animals! And the Bears. Oh, the way they just take it!" He giggled. "When I saw you, how beautiful you were, how petite and tiny, I knew you had to be the one to stick it in me. I even purposely gained weight just for today. You're everything I want in my Twink-Bear fantasy!"

There was a loud, unpleasant thump sound behind him. Russia turned back around and found China lying prone on the bed, his face a deathly pale pallor.

"Yao?" Russia poked at the nation foaming at the mouth. "Yao, are you pretending to be asleep?" He stared at China's dilated pupils for a moment longer before his eyes moseyed on down to the other nation's crotch. Russia shrugged. "Ah, well. I'll help myself then~"

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^Wtf did I just write? I question my own sanity too. It just so cracky that I'm iffy about actually posting it (but when has that ever stopped me?)

Don't know what a Twink or a Bear means in gay slang? Look it up XD. I'm guessing, but I assume that it's more of an American slang? And I realize that a couple of the other APH characters could take Yao's place (like Liet), but you have to admit...no one confuses people like Yao does. He's a trap! He makes men question their sexuality, and little girls cry in the corner.

I was rereading "Yurippuri". A Shizaya DRRR doujin. I don't know why this plot bunny popped up, but the moment it did, I CRACKED UP LAUGHING! (Like a hysteric maniac woman all alone in her apartment). Yao is so traumatized by the turn of events, he fainted LOL.

I have another fic planned that's part of the "You Bastard Aru" series. It's inspired by the old convo I had with ~Luna-Veil, but it'll take awhile. For some reason, I find great enjoyment in writing up hawt, steamy foreplay that will lead into smut...and just ruin it with cracky scenes.

Ah...I have a weird sense of humor.

...

...

..And I wonder why I'm single OTL.

A little bit of advertisement. The first and original fanfic I did based off "Yurippuri" can be found in "Drabbles and Oneshot" chapter 30 under the title "Mine is Bigger". I don't know to place it under RoChu, ChuRo or Neither LOL.

Also reminded me a little bit of the first and only SuFin fic I wrote called "Top Wife". One of my earlier works. Please disregard A LOT of stuff. I only have a few fanfics that I'm proud of lol.


	4. Vodka Baby

Lingering and swirling by the ceiling, steam billowed out from the little glass box with a lazy air of nonchalance. Effortlessly it floated down to cover every corner, every inch of the bathroom with hot, hazy mist.

Mirrors in the bathroom reflected nothing, white fog clinging to their surface with desperation. As time ticked by with excruciating slowness, vapor gradually condensed back into water droplets. Dripping...dripping...wet...

Long since turned cold, icy water continued to pour from the showerhead in streams. No matter. China enjoyed the way the cold water splashed on his face. The water quenched his insatiable thirst. He was burning alive on the inside, the fiery trail left on his skin by Russia's roaming, talented hands made him pant with need. The delicious contrast of the chilly water to his front and the scorching heat of Russia's cock spreading him, filling him was almost more than he could bear.

Just almost.

China's hand banged against the glass pane, leaving behind a misty handprint. Tossing his head back a tortuous moan was ripped from his throat as water continued to pour on his heated face.

Eyes filled with lust and want, Russia chuckled. He loved the way China exclaimed his passion with abandon. A satisfied cat purring, Russia licked China's neck, lapping up the water trickling down his soft, soft skin. "How lovely you are, Yao," he whispered tenderly against the Chinese's sensitive ears.

Not fooled by the gentle words that belied Russia's cruel actions, China bit back a pitiful whimper. He could feel Russia's dick slide into him with sickening deliberateness. Inch by inch he was filled until he was full with the Russian's cock. Stretching, stretching to his limit to accommodate such a big cock in his tight ass, he could feel himself almost coming. Coming. Coming..! When suddenly, inch by inch, Russia would then slide out of him with unbearable slowness. His pre-cum mixing with the bath water, China was aware how painfully aroused he was and yet thanks to Russia's turtle slow pace, he was unable to come.

Using all his strength, China tried to forcefully push back his hips, but Russia held onto him firmly. He felt Russia's breath on his skin as the Russian let out a breathy laugh. "Now, now, Yao. Slow and steady wins the race, da?"

Slowing down his already unhurried rocking, Russia let out a silent groan as he pushed himself back into his little lover's velvet heat. He enjoyed the way his cock would leisurely slide in China's milky, white ass before leisurely sliding back out. Although driving China mad with desire was simply an added bonus to his slow love making, it wasn't his goal. No. What Russia enjoyed as he watched China swallow his shaft little by little was his slow and gradual claim over the older man. Sex was the only way he had complete possession of Yao and he was going to enjoy every second of it.

"I...Iv-" Wanting to tease China bit more, Russia suddenly decided to slam his cock into China's ass hard. "YIWAN!"

"Mm, yes?" Russia kissed the back of China's neck, leaving behind tiny love bites wherever he could. "Was there something you wanted?"

"S-stop-!"

Russia reached around him, his fingers curling around China's engorged erection. "Stop? Stop what?" He asked with mock innocence even while his hands began pumping China's cock faster and faster, his own cock thrusting into the smaller nation with an almost frantic frenzy.

"Don't," China gasped, practically sobbing from relief, "Don't stop!"

"Your wish is my command, my tiny sun."

At last, having played enough, Russia assaulted him from behind. Pressing, pushing, slamming into him harder and harder until all China could do was moan, his entire front body plastered against the wet tile wall, water spraying all over them.

"Yao, Yao, Yao." Over and over again, China heard his name huskily panted into his ear. China reached behind him and pulled Russia down for a hard kiss to shut up the desperate plea. He didn't need a distraction from the coiling sensation he could finally feel building up inside him. His tongue plunged into Russia's mouth, invading, taking just as Russia was doing just the same to him beneath.

Breathing was becoming difficult. The air was muggy from the fog and the scent of their love making. They panted, they gasped, their bodies soaked with sweat and water clinging to each other as a white, hot fire tore through their bodies with numbing pleasure.

His cum spilling hard into China's ass, Russia yelled out one, single word.

"VOOOOOOOOOOOOOODKAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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A/n:** (Read on for the deleted scene)**

This fic came from two different sources: the convo I had with ~Luna-Veil about Ivan yelling "VODKA!" as he came and a convo with WhiteWings9 about smex in the shower.

Took me approximately 3 years to finally get down to write it, but at least I did it lol (have I really been in the fandom for 4 years now 0_O?). Although the smut scene somehow got out of hand, I needed something to write or else I'll truly fall out of the RoChu fandom. What better way than to write smut? LOL. I tried to keep the details minimal and yet it was still more descriptive than what I planned! But really, I'm rusty (and wasn't good with R18 scenes to begin with)

I took out this part because I didn't think it was as funny.

_Trembling from the aftermath of having pure, unadulterated ecstasy coursing through him, his skin still tingling from the feeling, China laid his forehead against the cool tile. With precise, calm movements, he turned off the showerhead, the handles squeaking as he did so. The sound of running water finally gone, China finally turned around to face Russia, a sad, curious smile on his lips. "Ivan, what did you say when you came in me?"_

_Russia tilted his head in thought. "I don't remember. I didn't even know I said something."_

_"You didn't?" China said, his words perhaps a bit too serene from someone who just had sex. "You really don't remember?"_

_Russia shook his head. "No?"_

_"Then allow me to tell you." China snapped, his eyes glaring straight into Russia's. "You yelled out,'Vodka' when you came. Vodka!" He poked a finger hard into the Russian's chest. "WHO THE HELL YELLS OUT VODKA WHEN THEY COME? HUH?"_

_Grabbing onto that hand that was viciously poking holes into him, Russia thought for a moment on how to reply before finally smiling. "Now, now, Yao Yao, you shouldn't be jealous. You'll always be my desired spouse. " He leaned in to give China a peck on the lips. "But Vodka's my first love and my favorite sleeping companion. I can't help it if it's on my mind 24/7." Russia grinned down at the shorter nation. "Even if I'm doing it with you."_

_"Ivan?"_

_"Yes, Yao Yao?"_

_"Don't make me push you out the airplane again. Once was embarrassing enough."_


End file.
